How my body became my home

For most of my life, I lived in a state where all the love and happiness I received depended on other people. Eventually, it came to a point where I couldn’t keep living that way. I realized that people will always come and go and when this happens, all I’m left with is myself. But at the time, the state I was in made it feel like I was left with nothing. So I decided that I wanted to be left with something and the only way to do that was to learn to love myself.

I didn’t understand how to even go about trying to love myself for a long time. It’s so much easier to love and be loved by other people. The act of loving is an incredibly vulnerable thing. When I care a lot about someone, there is always a fear that one day that person will go away. There is so much insecurity that comes with being completely open and intimate with a person. But love is about acceptance, and that is why self-love is so difficult.

large

There is no one I can be more intimate with than myself. There is no body, no mind, and no spirit I know better than my own. At the beginning of my journey of self-love I knew that I had to take a really hard look at myself. There was no hiding. I had to put myself out there: flaws, strengths, everything. That is when I learned to be aware of everything I did. I began to feel when I did something for attention or when I started feeling jealous for the wrong reasons. I could also recognize when I felt determined or when I felt at peace. Self-loving became self-discovery.

I found the freedom to be myself by living in that vulnerable place where there is both everything to lose and everything to gain. It’s a state where anything is possible. I’m still living in that place and as long as I keep on loving myself, I always will. Remember, self-love is a journey not a destination.

Lately I’ve been watching a lot of videos from The What’s Underneath Project started by Stylelikeu, and every individual interviewed completely encompasses that feeling of freedom within vulnerability. What could be more vulnerable than being asked the most personal questions about one’s life while talking in front of a camera with no clothes on? There is an amazing amount of self-acceptance that one needs to have before doing something like that, but I can imagine that the experience would be liberating. Those videos are what inspired me to write this jumble of words.

In my own experience, when I really examined myself and I was able to see everything that I was, I started to actually love life for the first time. Through that, I began to become my own person. I realized that there is no me but me. It’s a waste of time trying to be someone else because the only person you can ever genuinely be is yourself. That seems like a really simple concept, but it’s one that is too often forgotten.

We live in a society where everyone is so focused on fitting in and a lot of the time that means that our differences aren’t celebrated. Society is like a factory, creating everyone the same. Being in high school, I see where this conformism starts. Cliques are not just in movies. There are popular kids and people want to fit in with them. All these so-called popular kids are exactly the same. They act the same, they dress the same, and they’re all “cool”. Everyone wants to be “cool”. Yet being a cool kid nowadays is a complete waste of time since all it means is going to parties, hooking up, and getting caught up in all that nonsense teenage drama shit.

There is a point where fitting in becomes the loss of identity. People often don’t have the confidence to stand out and be different because frankly, it’s sort of terrifying. Loving myself allowed me to be okay with being my own person. Yes, I want to be “cool” too, but I don’t want to be their version of “cool”. I want to be my own version of “cool” and even if that means it’s someone else’s version of “weird”, it doesn’t matter because I’m being real and I’m being me.

Dont-let-the-haters-stop-you-from-doing-your-thang

Being me means dressing like me. I made a decision at the beginning of this school year that I would only wear outfits that made me feel good. Clothes are not just objects placed on my body; it’s part of my whole identity. Yeah, my outfits are a little questionable sometimes but who gives a fuck if I have too many pairs of beige colored pants or if I match the print of my sweater with the print of my socks? I certainly don’t. In the words of Icona Pop, “I don’t care, I love it!”

I also began to express myself through my passions. I found my vision through photography and I found my voice through this blog. There is no doubt that I fear people’s judgment. I know that there’s a possibility that someone will read this post and think that I’m some judgmental bitch who’s just full of pretentious opinions and that I’m the one that thinks I’m so cool when really I’m not. But I’m kind of okay with that, as long as I remain true to myself. It’s vulnerable, it’s uncomfortable, but at the same time it’s freeing and beautiful.

Self-love is the hardest kind of love. It’s the easiest to lose touch with and the hardest to regain. It’s also the most important kind of love, because at the end of the day, all I have is myself and there is only one of me. I think of my body, my mind, and my spirit as my home. I don’t want to let my home fall into disrepair. So here is my advice to you whether you are on this journey of self-love or not: Take care of your home. Love your home. Take pride in your home. And most of all, live in it.

dr-seuss-today-you-are-you-quote

Advertisements

4 thoughts on “How my body became my home

  1. I loved the read, Sarah!

    I was wondering, did this post come from some personal experience? Like with dating guys?

    Have you ever had a guy love you and then like, leave you? I’m kinda in that situation and I dont know how I feel about it.

    • Hi Amanda! So glad that you enjoyed my post.

      Yes, this did come from personal experience with my relationships with family, friends, peers, and yes, definitely some guys.

      I’m sorry that you are in that situation… I was also recently (and still kind of am) in that same position. To be loved one day and have all that love go away the next day is a mentally and emotionally shocking experience. I can’t tell you how to feel about it because that’s up to you; but my advice is to accept, move on and let go. If he left you for his own reasons, you have to respect that. It might feel like it’s the end of the world but it’s not.

      For me, the memories are the hardest part because they just don’t seem to go away. I always have to remind myself that those things happened in the past and that that’s not my life anymore. Try not to dwell too much on the past, but look forward to all the things your future has to bring. Don’t look back, don’t regret, and don’t blame yourself. That stuff is all just negative energy and it’s a waste of time.

      Have the confidence to know that you’re absolutely okay on your own. There will be moments when you might just feel like crying and that’s okay. Release whatever is built up inside you. But always know that there is a positive way to look at everything. Focus on the things that make you happy and distract yourself from thinking about the bad things as much as possible. Eventually, the memories will fade and it will get easier.

      Good luck! I hope this helped. Sending you lots of virtual hugs xo

      • Thanks for the reply! 🙂

        Your words are very kind and you’re so strong.

        Are you currently with someone? If so, do you ever think that you’ll be in a position to stop trusting people?

        I’m kinda unable to trust anyone right now… I feel like whatever I do, I can’t come to terms and express myself with guys.

        What were the motives for your breakups? And, were the guys like nice about the whole thing? How were the guys like.

        Omg.. Just re read my questions… Sorry if I sound like a weirdo. Just wanting to know how you feel and see what I can learn.

        Thank you, Sarah! 🙂

      • No, I’m not currently with anyone. I’d rather not disclose any details about my past relationships mostly because this is the Internet and they could easily come across this…

        You probably know this already, but every relationship should be built on trust. It simply can’t be a healthy relationship without mutual trust and understanding. If you don’t feel that you can trust another person then you should probably just focus on yourself for a while until you can come to terms.

        Do you trust yourself? Your lack of trust towards other people may stem from a lack of trust in yourself. Have confidence in yourself as an individual. Know who you are, what you believe in, what you stand for, what you love, and just everything that encompasses you as a human being. It is important to know who you are as a single person before you can begin to attach yourself to another person.

        Also, remember that you don’t absolutely need to be in a relationship. Dating is just one of the millions of great things in this world and there will always be a time for it. There is no need to stress yourself out to make it happen. Don’t force yourself to be a part of something that, from what I can see, you’re not ready for. Being single is totally okay. I mean I’m single and I’m happy so there ya go 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s